It's almost a full year since the UK went into the first national lockdown in order to reduce the spread of Covid 19.
This time last year we were all speculating about the steps needed to curb the spread..we had all seen what had happened in China, the thought of lockdown in this country didn't seem feasible. When the crisis started to grow out of control in Italy, it became clear that something had to be done.
I cried when it was first announced that we would have to close my cafe business. It was the Friday evening before Mother's day. We had customers booked in for Mother's day afternoon teas all day. Suddenly everything was scrapped. The stock I had bought would go to waste. A customer called me and asked if she could have her order boxed for delivery, then another and another after that. We ended up providing more orders that day than we would have otherwise done.
At the end of the day I cleaned the cafe, emptied the fridges and put down the shutter.
I deliberated about opening for takeout, but my then 3 year old daughter couldn't go to nursery and I wasn't sure how successful it would be.
I had started writing my novel "Chasing Butterflies" five years previously. It had sat on my computer for almost a year, waiting for a final edit. When lockdown began I sat down and edited the book. I told the story of Hope. Of the loss that she suffered, the insecurity she felt and how she felt it so difficult to put her trust in others.
Late one night, when I felt it was ready, I published my book. I found some promotional sites on Facebook and I posted about my book there.
A couple months prior to this I had sent the first three chapters to a publisher.
My booked had been live on amazon for all of three days when they contacted me and said they wanted to offer me a traditional publishing contract. I was in shock and awe, but I was also suspicious. I wanted to know who they were and if I could trust them.
I spoke to the ceo of the company at length. He did what he could to answer the questions that I had about the contract that he had sent me, but seemed confused when I asked him about plates for printing and the royalties he was offering. I had a genuine concern about where they were actually getting the 70% royalties they were offering for both print and ebooks.
He talked about how I was overwhelmed, but that wasn't it... I didnt trust him.
A few days later, I was proved right. I received an email in the middle of the night from one of the partners. She told me that she had left the company following a dispute and that she was taking all of the staff and clients with her.
I was miserable and completely disillusioned. My hopes and dreams were slashed.
I contacted the ceo and said I wanted to withdraw from the contract. He agreed, saying that I was obviously too overwhelmed by the whole thing.
It was a couple of days after this that I saw a post on one of the promotional groups from Audrey Phillips Cox. She had read my book and loved it! When she tried to write a review she found that it had been withdrawn.
I reposted my book. The reviews and reads started to come in. With each review my nervous system did somersaults. Thankfully the feedback was positive.
Spurred on by the success I decided to write Helen's story. The stories and the characters were still with me. I felt there was more to say. I used the time we had during lockdown to write The China Doll. I published it in November.
In the UK we have spent the year in and out of lockdown. I'm not going to point to who I believe is at fault. Maybe we all are to a greater or lesser extent.
Human beings are social creatures. When you take away our opportunities to mix with each other what do we become?
I fear that when this is all over we will be left with a mental health pandemic. The anxiety that currently exists around the proximity of others will not disappear over night.
On a personal level, this has been a very mixed twelve months. I have published two novels and I'm well on my way to writing my third. I have not been able to see my parents or my son for far too long. My exceptional fifteen year old daughter has had her GCSE exams cancelled. The impact of the pandemic on the people I love has been far greater than I ever imagined.
My business will no doubt survive as a result of the support provided by the government, but at what cost for future generations?
I'm not going to suggest that I would have done better, but when I look at countries like Australia and New Zealand, I can't help but wonder, what if?
We now have a "road out of lockdown". It comes with the caviat that this will be the last time... probably, hopefully, they think.
I don't know what tomorrow will bring.
Maybe covid has taught me to live in the moment more. To enjoy the small things. The time with my family and the joy that they bring me.
I hope as a nation we start to value each other more. Value life more. Value money and materials far less.
After a year of shitty hairdos and broken nails, maybe we will realise that all that stuff doesn't make us better. Just because you can't get more collagen pumped into your lips, it doesn't make you hopes and dreams and wishes for tomorrow any less valid.
I hope this time next year that I can book a holiday. Take my children to the beach, sit in cafés drinking piping hot tea and watching the world go by.
Maybe I will, but for today I'm just happy to finish writing my latest book. To video call my mum and chat to my son on the phone.
However lockdown has treated you, remember that we're all going through it. Be kind to yourself and those you encounter.